Earlier this year a young woman came into my life for a spell. She’s this amazing ball of things she does, participates in, and organizes with others. She also happens to be funny in a very quirky way and… well… submissive.

She’s also dealing with a whole tale of woe that is her life to a recent point.

In figuring on how we were coming together we tumbled over a lot of rocky ground about her coming up into womanhood and how she dealt with both an abusive family, as well as troubled relationships and marriages. And it’s no joke; she’s carried a load. It adds to the level of respect I have for her. In dealing with her defenses and self-doubt I’ve learned a lot about the mechanisms of dealing with abuse, as well as patience around that. And I’m doing it on a personal level for myself, too.

For me, when she caught me being self-dismissive literally seconds after I paid her such an honest and heartfelt compliment of admiration, it was a huge eye-opener. My upbringing wasn’t, how can I say this, the most reinforcing of environments. And there was this insane level of religiously based piety that was crammed down our throats. Like there was an entire musical about these ants whose whole message was to stay at home, don’t dream, be part of the hive.

Needless to say it’s left its mark on me through the years, much like her life has left its mark on her. It’s much like training an elephant to stay put. As a calf, you bolt it to a steak with a heavy chain that it couldn’t hope to break. That way, when it’s an adult, you can use a simple piece of twine because it feels the touch around its foot and figures there’s just no way it can break that.

But it also seems prevalent in a lot of people all around me; this constant urge or need to deflect compliments, to sell ourselves short, or downplay our own accomplishments and achievements. I am not sure where it comes from, but I have this notion it might be linked with some of the more prevalent mental health issues currently plaguing our society; of which I have needed to confront I am one of.

I don’t know why I have to insist she accepts how amazing she is but can’t even give her the credit to recognize it in me, too. There are many things I am proud of that I have done in my life; on stage, in print, in life, and in helping others. And I’m working very hard to get back on that track again. And she has eclipsed so much hardship in her world to succeed so amazingly in everything she has accomplished and become, too.  And I see it in so many others, too.

I sure hope we can break this vicious cycle.

As for intimacy, I don’t know exactly how much of this all informs her sexual roles; this is all kind of new to me. I mean, this isn’t my first sub/slave, but it’s the first time I get to be this… engaged… with one. As a man of my particular upbringing, discovering this has been an eye opener. There seems to be this level of intimacy that some women prefer where they are “told what to do”; as it’s been literally said to me by a few women I’ve been talking to about this.

It’s oddly funny that the cliché of strong women in society being submissive in the bedroom isn’t some kind of half-baked Hollywood cliché after all. But what I do like is that it doesn’t permeate an entire life; it’s one aspect of life for one place. And it’s like that way for all my submissive friends of any particular gender.

Having been a solo act for so long, and raised under certain pretenses, this is going to take some getting used to – being a “bed boss”; expressing my own sexuality has been a challenge for me my whole life, already. And, being naturally studiously curious, I’m eager to pry into the psychology of this, as well; in dealing with friends as well as potential lovers… and even myself.

Yep; looking forward to all kinds of studious, labor intensive learning on this one…