Normally this kind of comic is a wrap up that appears a couple of days before New Year’s Eve. But then, 2019 was like no other year I had had before. Well, at least in quite some time. And so it’s getting a multi part wrap up because… well, because I need to get this out and off my chest, and maybe someone needs to see this, too; to understand they aren’t alone, and there is help.

Mine is the quiet way of getting things done, the go-to guy, the fixer; that person you come to when things need to be mended, managed, or you’re in need of help and support. And I have to admit I have no idea where to turn when it becomes me who needs the mending, managing, help, and support. Especially when my world doesn’t really have anyone I can safely turn to, to begin with.

Now, obviously – SPOILER ALERT – I’m still among the land of moving parts. But the road from that night to now is still peppered with a lot of noise and unfortunate circumstance. And I am, by no means, free from the influences of that night. Not by a long shot; though I am managing them well enough.

This may be, perhaps, the single most painful comic I have ever shared of my life. Partly because I am openly admitting how I have failed, but also because in my culture this moment of desperation is seen as perhaps one of the weakest things a man can do. And I know I am not alone in this. In fact, one of the biggest reasons I hid this was because someone who was very prominent and influential in my world went an a very loud verbal rant once about suicide victims as “selfish and cowardly”.

But that’s not true. That’s not true at all.

A very strong person, who is used to being strong for so many, gets to this point because the pain is just so unbearable and it doesn’t seem to stop, and all you want is for it to stop. And, for me, that’s been building every since the Holiday season of 2017; where one thing after another took to catastrophic failure following my defeated return from Seattle.

Many of us find ourselves at this point. It’s a terrifying, hopeless place that can make you feel isolated and alone, with no help and no way out… save one. And circumstances outside of our control can only make it worse. (This is, after all, only the first part of my year-in-review.)

You matter. And the world is better for having you in it. I know that, right now, maybe it doesn’t feel like it, but it’s true. Talk with someone, someone you can trust; whether that’s a spiritual leader, a close friend, or a mental health professional. Ever health care provider has some kind mental health services. If you don’t have health care coverage, there are crisis centers somewhere nearby you. And, of course, there’s always help on the phone anywhere in America…